guess i've said this many times.
this will be the last..
i'm sorry...sorry for holding onto you..
i'll let go..i'll move on..
pls take care..
i'm really sorry...

what am i suppose to do now....

hello ppl...
been awhile since i blog eh...yea...
been busy...busy shopping!!!...haha...
first time buying presents during christmas...ha...

dunno what to blog too..now alone at home...parents coming backing tml le..so fast...
did enjoy myself over at sis place..and thanks for coming over too..
though we did nothing special...but ya..thanks gal...

chatted with him from bedok mrt station to my work place yesterday...blur me still thought i'm still her gf...said something like..." you dunno your gf is like...."...didn't realise until he "HUH" very loud..eh...
went over to his place too...to do some stuff..after tt he sent me home..to my doorstep..thank you ya...
felt a little sour after he left...at that moment..wanna just gave him a hug so much..but i can't...
haiz...
feeling a little down now...haiz...
i'll be fine tml...i'll be fine..
that's all ..that's all...

2more days...
i'm still feeling funny..oh man..
parents going to malaysia to visit my grandma..
can't go...guess i'm starting to "forgive" my grandma now..
kinda worried i wont have the chance to see her too..just like my the other grandma..
still regret...missing her...

how are you grandma?....is heaven a nice place to be?...are you fine above there?
Please watch over us grandma...i miss you..

hope my grandma in malaysia is doing fine..the last time i saw her..she really look very old and getting weak already..oh man..so worried..

mum, dad...pls look after yourselves when you are away...pls take care...
same to you brother...
i dunno how to express myself..but i really do care...

Pls watch over them...

hope things are getting better for you too sis..

i'm still kinda lost though...it's over...haiz..

four more days...to start a new life...
aM i reAdy foR it...??

our story...really end now....you are far beyond my reach already..
Blame it on myself for not cherishing you...
if we are meant to be together..no matter how far you go..you will still come back..
let's see...if we are fated...eh...
life still have to go on...i know..i understand...
i'm sad..cos it's really over..but i'll be alright soon...real soon..cos no matter how sad i am..things aren't going to change so what's the point of being sad...

i'm letting go..i'm moving on...there will be another barrier for me to overcome b4 i could really start a new life..or to be specific..start a new relationship..eh...but it's not important now..i got no time to think about it too...

moving on ppl...moving on...

this entry is for u....

always hope we could get back together in the future...that's what keep me strong for the past few weeks...
but my hope is vanished...you are really gone...

i wanted so badly to have you back at that very instance...but i can't...i can't give you much now...cos i dun even have time for myself...you will still be unhappy with me...

i realised i cannot do anything now...
you already moved on..and it seems that you are really determine to cont. that journey..with the gal...
the thought of you treating her nice and good... just like in the past how you treat me.. just hurts me everytime i think about it...i'm selfish..i only want you to be mine..
but i know these are all in the past already...it's over...
i didn't treasure you that time...ya..i admit it..
i'm the one who wan the break up...and ask you to move on and find another gal...but i didn't say those words without any emotion..i said those words with sadness and uncertainty...i still care about you after the break up..that's why i kept asking our friends to look after you and kept asking them how are you?

i didn't you to move on so fast...cos i thought you wont..you will wait...but i was wrong once again..
this news bout you and her really shocked me...i went crazy after knowing it..i scold your frens and pester them..i don't even wanna believed what they said...
but know...i guess you really likes her..and she too..
but, pls rem...bothof you just had a broken relationship...any care and concern give by others can be misunderstood as liking or even love...pls think about it b4 you move any further...
i'm not trying to stop you two from moving on..
but i really hope if you are to find a girl now..she will really love you and not one who just "make use" of you out of loneliness...

really hope u can be happy..i'm sorry i've ended everything just like that...it's really a waste..
i'm sorry...
there is nothing much i can do now but to give you my blessing...
tell you frankly, i'm feeling very sad now...i cried every night for the past few days..i'm just not ready..
i understand it's no use talking about the past now but they are just my thought...
pls take care ..pls take care....

my heart hurts now...it's sour again...my tears are flowing again..i need someone now...

*guess he is really gone...*

going to work soon...
i'm so bored..even though i have tons and tons of stuff to do..oh man..
can someone just kill me and let me REST in peace..
really wondering how long i can last before i finally break down...
i don't wan to care bout so many stuff anymore..can someone replace my role here...
it's so tiring..

am i doing the right thing?...i don't even have time for myself man..have i chosen the right path..
so tiring..so tiring...studies is still important..i know..but it's so hard to balance my time..guess i'm BAD in managing time...

it will be a new beginning...everything is planned for me...eh...but what is being planned?..can i know now?...i just don't wanna carry on this journey not knowing what's is being planned ahead for me..i have to have faith and be patient and wait..but i'm a faithless creature...i'm an anxious person..can you show me a clearer direction where to go on...i'm lost now...

life is so unmeaningful now...

are we sharing lesser and lesser stuff to each other...maybe yes maybe no...but no matter what...i still care alot...cheer up too gal...

*walking aimlessly*

hmm...hope i'm feeling better now...i also dunno what i'm feeling...
sometimes i just wish that there is another person...one who is in the club and also on SIP ...having the same passion as i have for it...
then maybe he/she will understand how i am feeling now...
haiz...

not saying you guys don't understand how i'm feeling...but i guess there is a difference ba...when you are in the club and when you are not...i'm not complaining..just miss you guys...
know you guys miss the club sometimes too but ya...ASc is where we met each other..and we become so close...those are good memories..memories we will always remember...don't be too sad..
though i really miss having you guys with me...
felt tt i have more responsibility now..cos most of them..all should i say all except one is my batch...last sem was totally diff...when i worked with you guys, i work like a member..now i work more like a leader...aiya..dunno what i'm talking again...nvm...
whatever it is..ASc is one club i've put my bloodshed effort to it...always worrying i will ruin it..but i hope this time round..i'll make ASc grow stronger again...
we have a aim..lets works towards it....

*hanging-on....*

why...Why...WHy..WHY...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired..really tired...give me a break man!!

why do i have such character...can i just dun care...oh man...i'm caring too much..i'm making myself too stress...oh man oh man oh man..lEt me DIE...

one prob after the other...i'll get heart attack sooner or later man...i think sooner better...die faster...dun need care bout ALL the problems!!!!..

i'm going crazy...No..i'm crazy now...arhhhhhh....whY...wHY....WHY!!!!!!!
HAIZ....

i just feEl liKe cRying OUT LOUD!!!...but i got nO teArs....heArt so sOur but caN't cry...

i'll be alright...i will be...i have to be...*

i'm going crazy...i'M goiNg crazy...I'M GOINg CraZy...I"M GOING CRAZY....AHHHHHHHHH!!!

was too tired to blog last night...today working afternoon shift....
should be doing work butthen no mood...should be sleeping butthen can't sleep...

yesterday almost cried two times outside...my tkd coach called me...though not asking me bout tkd but he's last sentence was...i dunno...make me miss them alot ba...
went back school after work...i know TP having tkd training so went to the sport hall to see...wanted to hide from them but they saw me...ha...
went to bow to my TP coach from outside the sport hall...he nodded his head...i almost cried again...
they ask when i'm going back for training...
i dunno..i'm not ready yet...
so use to having him around during training...feel so werid without him around to hold the target...to cheer me on..to support me through the training...
thought i miss training alot but i can't go back...
dun ask me why...i'm just not ready...
feel so guilty...wo dui bu qi my two coach...plus him will be 3...and jon...4....
very tempted to kick the target last night but too many ppl le...sigh...
yesterday got friendly match with one JC...watching halfway it rain...damn...worried bout club ppl but at the same time want to see them spar...guess wat...i chose club...having in mind i'm still in the club...and i have to make sure things are alright..see them drench and i'm dry..feel so bad...after that then i was like walking up and down the sport hall...one side is club..the other is tkd...
haiz....
dun worry dun worry...i'm alright..i'm fine....till the day i can't take it anymore then i guess i'll need to find a comfortable shoulder to flood on ba...
i must stay strong...i have to....there are many more things for me to do...i cannot break down...i cannot give up...

hope things will be alright for u gal...hoping..and praying...*

*how long can i last....*

i'm feeling better now...after today's service...
i must say HE is really amazing..
HE knows what i'm thinking...what i'm worried about..thank you very much...
i'll learn to have faith and hope in you..in my life...

thank you very much...*

oh man, what's wrong with me...
why at this point of time i start thinking about such stuff...kinda too late eh...
after like 5mths...
oh man...hate this feeling....suddenly can't remember what is the diff b4 and after...
arg...i'm losing it...i dun wan to...somehow can't feel anything anymore...just another routine thingy..pls dun tell me all this while i've been lying to myself...i wont be able to take it man...

why am i always worrying about so many other stuff when i myself can't manage my own problems?..
always trying to help others but somehow i've neglected myself and my family...
i'm so sorry...i know i've spent lesser time with u all already but i still care and love u all...i just dunno how to show it out...i'm so so sorry..
pls take care mum...i know your hands are gtting rough and are peeling and in pain..your whole body is aching..i know..it does hurts when i see u like that...but when i'm infront of you..i just smile cos i dunno how to react...
pls take care dad...your health...i suppose the rashes are gone already ya?..what your diet k...thanks for preparing breakfast for me every morning...
pls take care bro...sleep early..hope everything is fine in school ya...thanks for those letters your wrote to me...

pls take care too dear sis...dun think so much k..everythings gonna be fine..hope u know what u're doing too gal...

cried last night...also dunno why i cry..was lying on my bed..then suddenly the sour feeling came again..then tears roll down till i doze off...

maybe after a year or two??...we can become frens again...
for now...maybe we are strangers....but do take care pls...sorry...

*nuMb*

hmm...pretty tired now..played badminton..ha..
i wasn't angry...ya..sorry if i've shown attitude...

told her what i did ...feeling better..glad she wasn't sad or disappointed..
butthen still worried...really hoping u r recovering slowly...*hoping and praying..*

i'm fine i'm fine...i must tell myself i am...

the day is coming...am i really ready...what does it really mean...to me..it's just a event...nothing special...

my little brain is exploding..haha...so many things inside now...i can't help it but to think about them...many stuff...really many stuff...haha...

am i ready??*

had a great time today ya..went out with emily and sheewee after church..to Kbox and then eat fish & co..ha..the food is nice..maybe it's becos of the people but not the food yea...ha..kk..but fish & co is my fave resturant ..so ya..everything is nice..haha..

I'm sorry..i can't help but to feel this way..sorry gal..

oh man, i saw my tkd coach today...my heart beats very fast when i see him ar...was like trying to hide away from him..i scare he sees me...i scare he ask me question..he know i and him break already..but i still scare..he once ask him why i must break up with him..just talk things out can already ar...haiz..
the parents also see us as one good couple..butthen...yea..i dunno how to face the parents too...

flashes of tkd tournaments and training came back..flashes of tkd camp came back...flashes of us came back...
i miss you but there's nothing i can do becos we are frens now..i want to be fren..so i shouldn't think so much..memories are still memories...they will be remembered...

when can i train tkd again....

went for club meeting after work..
was really glad to see them...miss club so much..
was kinda tired on the way there ar...took a cab..but got jam..cos of the rain ar..and cos of one stupid accident...it's only a small accident ar..then this two ppl jam the whole express way..still stop their car at the Right lane...lucky someone share cab with me...if not i will need to pay like $18.60...

club event starting next wed...hope things will go well..still quite messy...i'm worry..but ya...have to trust my members rite..
anyway, wanna thank my vice president grace...she is really doing a good job...problems will arise...just have to solve it one by one...your event is a big one so ya...there will be stress...learn to manage it ya...eh...dun doubt yourself..you are doing fine...

hmm..tkd stuff again...one of my tkd fren asked if next thur i'm going to a tkd chalet organised by him and his fren..eh...he asked me b4..i think i said yes if my work schedule allows me to..but i got club event ...haiz...how man..

hope ya 2% better today...eh...i'm sorry...

hope after singing u felt a little better..but those song u chose hor..hmm..nvm..maybe cos my songs limited ar...so ya..ha..
hmmm...i hope u are getting better...if only just 1% also good...slowly slowly..i know u need time...*pray hard hard*

i'm so lazy...everyday dun feel like doing work..my work is pilling up again..ha...

how are you?..it's been awhile since i last saw u eh...think ur're quite busy with the wcg thingy now..hope u are enjoying urself...
u really have a "good feeling" bout the gal?..eh...got common topic ar?...hmm..ok..ok..
only fren rite..eh..hmm..nvm...what am i thinking man..arg..

this blogskin looks like my previous one eh..white background..give ppl a peaceful feEing...
hoW i hope my hEart will bE as peAcefuL as it toO...

sudDenly, felt sO loSt...felt sO bAd..feLt so wrOng..felt so guiLty..felt so..arg..i dunNO...
i became a "ya ba" todaY..i dunno wAt to saY to hEr...but aS loNg as i cAn seE hEr..cAn See thAt she's stiLl oK..it's enOugh le...
sEeing u like that is reAlly very sucky...but i gueSs it's sOmething u nEed to gO through..
i ratHer u pAin noW thEn later bUt at the sAme tIme..it reaLly doEs huRt..
my sMall liTtle hEart tuRn sour whEn i seE u...
it seEms tHat it's me thAt has sTarted all thIs..
iN the eNd, u are sufferinG..aNd i'm hEre doIng notHing but jUst woRryiNg...arg...

cAme into coNtact with tkd recently eh...aRe u trYing to teLl me somethIng?...fiRst is the sMs telling me to go back traiNing...second is tHe question yesterday..thiRd is i sAw a tkd clAss at a neW renovated CC..aNd i knOw that iNstructor..
fouRth is my secOndary School friend suDDenly asKed mE whY i stOp training..
fiFth is sOmeoNe asked mE if i Know aboUt a tkD pErformAnce...aiyaya..whAt's wRong..
i miss trAining but..nVm..
hmm..i shOuld stOP thinkIng lE..hahA..

criEd on the wAy hoMe though...just fEel like cRying..soMething is mAking me feEling very the sour...
guesS it's seEiNg u sufFering and mE thinKing of tkd (whiCh eventually led to hIm)..
but i'm oK..reAlly ok..liFe stiLl gO oN...=)..

i'M prAying..reAl hard..

went to see a pagent compeition today...quite a big event..quite impressed by the whole thing...hmm..*start to day dream le...wonder if ASc can organise such big event ornot..hmm..AS D&D...hmm...eh..*

well...things are quite the same everyday...nothing much to update...
oh..just realise i'm single for 3mths le..haha..so fast eh...

u called me that day...why?

i'm fine..i'm ok..don't worry..just thinking of some stuff...
miss training again..recently recieved some sms..dunno from who..ask me go back training..IVP coming soon..hmm..wonder who is it..i wish i could..but i can't..haiz..2reasons..2resasons..

i always stumble over this question: "why you stop tkd training? "
my reply: "cos no time"...normally ppl will stop asking after this but today..there is a reply..
" no time?...excuse...tkd training only at night..where got no time.."..haha..well...dunno what to say too..just smile..and smile and smile...

i dunno if i've done the right thing...to asked you to solved your problem fast..solve it now at this point..it seems that it's making you more confused..more sad..this feeling sucks..but i hope that's the best thing to do..to stop you from moving in circle again and again...i really hope things will get better..cos i really dunno if i've done the right thing...that's why i'm hoping...i scare i've make things worst..but sorry gal..i guessed i'm really too busybody le..arg...i feel SO BAD NOW...sorry gal..sorry...
i really pray that thing will be over for u..really over...
i pray that you will be fine..
i pray that everything will be alright..

*i hoping..and praying...*

dUn like this stupid feeling i'm hAviNg now..
wHY am i cRying over such matter...
whY mUst i compaRe...

i guess if u does feEl betta theN cAn le ba...

tO myself : u cAn't alwAy expect evErytHing to bE yOurs...everytHing to Be in your contRol..youR way..
u have to unDerstand thIs world is nOt ruLed by yoU...evEryoNe has his or Her oWn choIce....
evEryOne wiLl in tHe eNd livE their owN worLd..hAve theiR owN fAmiLy...hOw loNg do u wAn thE pErsoN to sTay witH u?....dUn hoLd oNto iT toO tiGht..oNe dAy whEn it's goNe..u wilL feEl evEn moRe hUrt...uR hEart wiLl bE eVen moRe soUr thEn nOw...bUt i dO treAsure u aLot...reAlly...whAt i cAn dO is this mucH...


cAn't imagiNe i'M stiLl aBle to wiSh hiM haPpy 2nd yeAr anNiversary..hAha..
cAn't imagiNe i cAn stilL joke witH hiM bout it...
i'm so blOodly proud oF myseLf...
anD i'm glAd u aRe 90% reCovereD...goOd goOd...
haHa...

oH shuCk...brAin nuMb..cold cold one..ha..so fuNny....

*..emotioN-lEsS....sPeEch-lEsS..*

went back to work today...still feeling sick..
fever down but still having sore throat..very the pain..first time so pain..
no voice too...not even a sexy voice..is totally no voice now..haHa..also good...dun need to talk...haiz...
some rashes appeared on my hand...eh..are you thinking what i'm thinking...ha..that's the second syptom so far...feeling abit feverish now..BUt not shivering..no joint pain...can't remember got bitten ornot..but it doesn't matter...hA...kk...

tml is thursday...
ya...tml is thursay..eh...
should i or should i not...haHa...kk..

Dear gal, i'm not angry..i'm worried...if i sound harsh..pls forgive me...
Dear sheewee, pls take care too...we two sound yucky now man...two sick birds now...haHa...

*Keeping my dear fren and sista in prayer*
*keeping my family in prayer*

heLlo guys,
guess what!!...i didn't work today..haHa..cos i'm SICK...yeahyeah..ha...kk..i'm crazy..
always wanna get sick ar...at last i am le..hee...got one day mc..should take 2days man..
now still have fever...had sore throat..cough and a little bit of flu..
oh ya..i went back school too...feel so good to be in school man...
went to take my scholarship and so some club stuff..hee..
our ITAS canteen okay already...fren say there really like food court...got air con one lei...butthen some food there cmi..hope we got time can go back there to eat man..hee..

hmm...something happen last sunday..which makes me realised how fortunate i am...eh...was laughing to myself the whole day..haHa...thank you very much..(you know who you are)..

feel like taking another day mc..really sick of working man...
wanna stay at home finish up the things i haven do yet..SIP logbook..MP proposal..club stuff..haiz...keep dragging them...aiyoyo...

alright...i shall stop here already...

*hoping you will be fine*

feeling rather worried this few days...
worried bout my project..worried bout my club..really felt drifted away..
thought i could handle it..but looks like i can't ..i've over-estimated myself..
i dun have the mood..dun have the strength to do things..
sorry guys...
i really wanna see the club grow..see the club get close together..see the club becoming to a big family working together to serve the school...to have fun..to create a bond..to have the passion like the ex comm once had...
pls help me get the passion back..i want it back!!...
i miss you guys...i miss the ex comm...i miss roy my vicepres..i miss peiling and sheewee my secretaries..i miss emily and joanna my treasurers..i miss fadhli and jem my welfare..i miss jingkai and alan my quatermaster..i miss qian hui and eugene my publicity..i miss shuiyi and woanting my subcomm coordinator..i miss yanming..my publice relation officer...
haiz...where are u guys...why am i alone here with shuyi...
SHUCK mAN...really hate this feeling...i Dun WANNA GET DRIFTED AWAY FROM THE CLUB>>>PULL ME BACK PLS!!!

10Nov..coming nearer...i fear that day...it's a thursday..i'm working 10am to 6.30pm..should have the strenght to do one thing...it's been a long time since i've gone there...
10 Nov...a day i'll never forget..a day tt will make my heart turn sour again...

where and who can i pour my worries to...to GOD above?...
never "talk" to HIM for like 3weeks?...haiz...
must i act strong infront of you too?...haiz...

i know stress is ownself find one..but how to relax?..
being the leader..one have to be steady...then others will feel "safe" under you..
acting strong is so tiring...i'm falling apart..club..and project group...haiz..

*i wan back the passion*

hmm...what is the emotion i'm feeling now..hmm..jealous?..eh..yea..jealous..i am jealous..haiz...

ppl in my lab actually thought i'm with someone else there..OH MAN!!
i'll kill myself if i'm with that guy man..

but it kind of made me think..what have i done to make them think that way..
have i been too close with that person?
i dun think i am...
but it will be scary if they think i was but i myself think i wasn't.
this just show how suay pian, how open, how...dunno lar.. i am rite..
i'm just trying to show or should i say ACT concern...if not..our life there in the lab will not be good man..haiz..
just wondering how the world outside sees me...what an impression i've given to them...haiz..
ok..i'm thinking too much...

but those ppl who thought that way dun know me well...lucky my fren attached there never agree with them..
haiz..

things are starting to get worse each day in the lab...pls dun let anything happen...
my patience has reached a limit..i'll explode soon if it cont....i'm trying to control myself..i'm trying to ACT cheerful..
MP is getting onto my nerve..

i'm pissed..i'm angry..i'm sad..i'm worried..i'm tired..i'm irritated..i'm hurt...
i'm on the verge of crying...
but i can't...
my heart is turning sour...a feeling i got when i'm REALLY sad and hurt..
but no..i'm not going to cry now..not at this moment..

ARG...WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it really seems that we have to be seperated far apart...
if only by doing so can make u forget...i guess i cannot be so selfish...to asked u to stick to my way.
Meaning of fate to both of us is different...this make me wonder is there such thing as fate.
one have walked too fast, the other is catching up behind..
as long as they love each other..it doesn't matter..
BUt like the actoress in the show all about love said, this couple is very ke lian..cos both cannot walked together down the path of life.
i've walked too fast down the road and you are trying hard to catch up.
i've walked too fast down the road..i cannot look back now...not at this moment

it's true i still hope we can be together, but not now.
i can't ask you to wait becos i cannot promise you i will get back together with you.
so i have to ask you to forget about me...ask you to let go..
i may sound alright but inside me...i'm struggling...
i cannot predict the future...i can only see the present situation...
i'm really sad that this relationship will turn out like that...

we really cannot be fren?
cannot meet up for years?
haiz...
it's hard for me to say this...but i have to...forget ba..let go ba...like the show..just take it that i'm dead...don't hold on anymore...find a new gf to forget me..
i hope the gal will treat you good..really...
even though we can't be fren...in my heart..you will always be..
take care pls...
for the last time...pls allow me to say this...i really miss being with you...

hey gal,
no sorry should be between us remember..
actually...i kinda expected it...i mean as in u not being able to let go at this point of time...
that day u did that without really thinking through..
u did it in the mist of anger and..i dunno..eh..that's why i kept asking you WHY WHY WHY.....
but but but...dun worry gal..
i took like dunno how long to move on too...must say i'm still trying to move on..but i'm doing fine i guess..and i hope..hmmm..why did i say hope eh...hmm..ha..
anyway i'll always be here for u dear gal......
don't need to say sorry...
just be strong..learn to put down slowly...
yes, the road may seem hard but don't doubt yourself gal..
if you ever do..always remember i'm here and HE is too..
take care sis...
this is all i ask from you...

I AM ANGRY....haiz...

why...dunno what to say..dunno what to do...

hey,
finally manange to change my blog song to this current one..it's a christian song
find it very meaning...very true..

title of song: you carried me

yes, you did....
you carry me through all of my trials..
you carry me when i was troubled and alone..
when my strength has gone ...couldn't get along, without you
you carry me so i wouldn't stumbled..
you carry me just when i needed someone else..
you would be a fren..
and i reach the end..
cos you carry me....

i hope everything is over...
it's really time to let go...

you should too...
pls take good care of yourself...
do not ponder about the past le..
you have to move on too...

Dear sis..glad we finally took the first step to move on too...
lets work together ya...
take care gal...

it's been a while since i cried.....feeling the sour-ness in my heart..again..
things always happen when i thought it's getting better...WHY!!!!

i simply just hate myself..

do not hurt yourself gal...wont feel good to see u like tt..not forcing u to solve ur prob immediately
just dun wan u to make urself feel so xin ku..i know it's hard..it's always hard to let go or should i say pour out your feeling...but...ya..takes time...pls dun let urself suffer...
Pray about it..

a week is gone...again...so fast ya...
weekends are always short...i wonder why...hmm..haha..
well...i'm feeling quite alright now...
Thank you guys for your care and concern...
Thank you my dearest sis...
Thank you dear father...strengthen my faith..strengthen me...

hmm...mum went to my church today...kinda happy...
*Praise the Lord*
hope she likes my church...=)
hope she will feel more comfortable here...

went to celebrate Yingyou birthday after church...
reallly feel very nice to be with friends again man...lots of things to crap about..
we were eating at a cafe in cinileisure...food there not bad...$$ also quite reasonable..
will go back there to eat one day..=)
hmm..bought a earring too..haha..long long time since i wear one..ha..

Take care my frens...all of you...one mth of SIP is over..4 more to go...jia you ppl!!!
Take care sis too..
will pray GOD to be with you all times ya...
watching over you...pour all your worries and trouble unto HIM ya..
HE will help you through...
keeping you in my prayer..

I thank you for bringing her into my life..just like an angle..looking after me..

i thank her...for her patience...for her care and concern...for her willingness to share my burden..
i thank her for not leaving me alone..
thank you very much...
no sorry indeed...should be between us..
but still...i'm sorry for being so stubborn..i'm sorry for making u hurtful seeing me like that..
i know you have been trying hard to "wake me up"..i know..and i appreciated that..
i will cont. to search for my smile...cont. to search for my faith..
pls always be by my side like i will always be by yours...

timid and afraid you can be..but i'm always here..if u need anything..or anyone..
what i said may not be right..but i just hope u will be alright soon....
i do not know how to help you..i can only give you my point of view...
i do not want to see you putting all the prob onto yourself..but to say it out..
i want to be by your side when u are down..
i do not want to be kept in the dark...i want to..be like you..allow me to share your burdens too...
i pray and asked that HE will guide you and help you through this period of time...
i really hope HE will...

Thank you very much...for being here for me..
Thank you very much...for not giving up hope in me but instead..kept trying hard to "wake me up"
Thank you very much...my dear sis...

walked home today..again..
that's all i wanna say..
take care people..

losing my faith in you...
i'm tired..

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

hello guys,
how is everyone?
hmm..i'm still at the immunology section..next week then change to biochem..eh..
nothing much to update about SIP..everyday do the same thing..but i labelled samples for this two days...to me, that's the easiest..ha..but my back ache like mad..how i wish someone can help me massage man..haiz..

hmmm...have been emotion-less recently...or rather... i wish i could be emotion less..
someone asked me a question again..." have you regret..letting go your bf..".and .." why did you chose club and fren but not him..?"
i gave a thought and said:" ya..i did...i did regret.."..but i dunno how to answer the second question..
i guess he is rite...being in the club is something i like..i'm doing things i like..i guess i'm not matured enough to handle so many committment..i regret not balancing my time well..i regret not being a good gf..i regret for what i have done to him..
haiz..if we were still together...today will be our 23rd month plus 2days anniversary..but it isn't...3 more days will be 2 months...it has been two months since i last see him...i do miss you you know?...but i can only miss you now..you said the joanne you know is gone already...i dunno how to answer you..i dunno what to response...all i know is i can only miss you now...i miss your hugs..your kisses...your tenderness...your care and concern..your love..
today i walked home from tampines interchange...ya..i walked and run back..
just feel like running...i ran to tuesday training place..
was hoping i could see him...just wanna peep at him...see how is he..
was hiding when i reach..heart was pumping fast..partly cos i run..partly cos i'm afraid he will see me..but but but..he no longer teach there anymore...hmmm...so sad...so..dunno how to describe...
how have you been...how are you??...

dun need to say sorry my dear sis...if you were sorry..then i am too...i didn't notice you were feeling down too gal..
i didn't wanna tell you i'm not feeling good cos i know u will be worried...hmmm...but if both of us have the same thinking...not wanting to make each other worried...then i think we are not being true with each other rite?..you understand?..but again..i said b4 i'll try to understand you....i'll be patient and etc..wait till you wanna share then tell me..haiz..i also dunno how to say ar..think you should understand ba?..hmm..
dunno what trigger you to think of the past again...but hope you are fine... i'll be around if you need someone k...always will be...ake care too..

the world is so small.
one of the ex TP student working in my attachment place learn tkd too.
and her ex bf was someone we know...and the people we knows she knows too..
she say maybe she saw me in one of the tournaments b4..eh..
there it goes...trigger my mind to think of the past again..

she asked if i'm still training...i say no and she ask why..haiz...i must say the reason i'm in tkd is becos of him..most of it is becos of him..but i do like tkd..like it when after training i'm perpiring like mad..nice..i miss the training days..i really do..the sound from the target after kicking..the satification after kicking your opponent head..the fulfillment after breaking a plank...the dangerous stunts we performed...together...so nice to have a couple performing together rite...haiz...

someone asked me...if i were given a chance to get back with him...will i do it?
i said no...becos i know i will hurt him again...
he replied...meaning you still care for him alot rite...
and i guess..ya..i still care for him alot..

that person asked me that question on the bus..and i cried..i'm sitting facing the back of the bus..and i cried..so ma lu...then i faster get down the bus and walked home..
was crying while walking...
then i went to the small park near my house...and cried there...
feel the urge to call him...but i dare not...i dare not face him...i just feel so sorry for what i've done...
i'm really sorry...

hello..
i'll be tranfered to biochemistry section next week onwards for 3weeks .
kinda sad cos i'll miss doing what i'm doing now..eh.
just got the hand of it ar..then need to change section le.

i'm very tired recently.. guessed its becos i've loss too much water on saturday night..
didn't sleep well too..

i worried too..SIP...MP..ASc..feeling the stress le...guess it me...always worrying and giving myself stress...
at this state i am now..i'm not able to cope...i'm tearing apart le.
i did distribute work to other members and i know you guys are great but i'm still worried.
after reaching home after work...i will need to check mail...reply mail..
not many things to do now for club but in my mind..like alot...shucky feeling..
ASc is going full force with 5 advisors now..i think..eh...
Hope we will be able to fulfill the goal i set this AY...or am i expecting too much?..
i wan to do more solid projects but can't think of any...haiz..

I'm always too lazy to do research after work for my MP...shuck again...sat meeting up le..zero infor now...JOanne ar..can you start doing work?...PBL that time also like that..now MP also..MP 8 cu ar...GPA drop until like that already(comparing to myself) still dun wanna work hard..
haiz..

both of us noe that we can't get back together unless i change back to who i am in the past...
why...why did i change to a person like that with such charactor now...selfish..amibitous..irresponsible...
i'm too lazy to do anything...i'm drifting apart again...

hello...
no mood to blog recently..
so sorry...
but everything is fine...physically...but not emotionally...
my SIP is good..people there are nice and funny...
getting used to my rountine work already..
do manual test...do until the thumb cramp cos need to keep pressing the pipette up and down to do serial dilution...sort sample..label sample...centrifuge..do testing..keep sample...
next week will be busy week cos my lab doing some project with KK hosp...then not enough ppl...so i'm transfered to the biochemistry side for 3days...to VDRL testing..done it at the Immuno section le..so i guess i'll be alright..
my section head very funny...suddenly one day ask my three other frens working there " where is Joanne...i miss her.."...oh my...now my frens kept making fun of me..say she's my god mother...
then today..she sms another immuno collegue..." Fendi (the person name), where is Joanne?"..ha..i dunno what time she mesg Fendi...but it's either i'm outside buying food or finish eating lunch went back to work le..eh..so funny...at first see her very fierce one ...dun dare to talk to her but now..hmm...starting to talk and joke le..
but after a week...we will rotate le..dunno what section i'm going next..
oh ya...next week got 4 Singapore Ploy year 2 students coming for attachment but only for a mth...what are they going to learn man..anyway...hope it will be fun..

i'm sorry..really very sorry..i know it's my fault that everything turn out this way...if i knew this is going to happen...i won't even wanna start and in the end hurt you so much...
but i do have wonderful time with you...never regret being with you..but i'm sorry i've hurt you...
many memories came back recently...where i go..what i do...i can't stop..when i saw couple..i will think even more..think of the past..what we do..where we go..
something is making it worst...just can't stop thinking and blaming myself...why...the only time i'm not thinking is when i'm working...SHUCK...but i'm too tired to work too...

my back is aching..my legs are hurting..my heart is tearing...

yoz ppl!!
first day of SIP...hmm..not bad...
many foreigner worker there...didn't really talk to them yet..
except for the guy guiding me...FENDI___..he's a indonesian ar..then got Willie..ex Tp student..got a few others also ex Tp one..eh..
was posted to the immunology section-test for HIV, syphillis and etc..yea..meaning i'm dealing with blood that may contain such virus..ha..but i haven touch those sample yet ar...tried 2 tests today..those agglutination one..learn abit bout the machine...
then afternoon..sort out sample..got stool sample..pus..swab..blood...lihuey saw green urine..eh..she today observe the microscope for malaria parasite..using the QBC technique..ha...sound familiar ya..kk..
but i afternoon got nothing to do after sorting the sample...whole day reading the SOP and manual until i sian man..
hope tml got things to do ba..
hmm...kinda sad...cos next week will be working from 1pm-9pm everyday..sat also need to work..1pm-5pm..haiz..what a weird timing...cannot slack with other frens..hmm..anyway..just hope i'll learn many many things from there...
all the best ppl...

something is bothering me...i cannot get it out of my mind...the feeling is shucky!!!
haiz...
wish i could turn back time...

SIP tml..oh..i mean later in the morning..but i'm still here online..haha..so fan jian...
waking up at 5.45am tml..meaning i got 4hrs plus to sleep later..
lets hope everything will go smoothly...

why am i thinking about such stuff now..i dun get it..why now...why make me think of it..
Arg...

*trying hard to sleep*

hello guys,
don't have the mood to blog anything recently.
going for attachment soon..this coming monday at 8.30am..
will need to take a 15mins bus ride to interchange then a 50mins MRT ride to Buona Vista then another 10mins bus ride to reach my attachment place..hmm..
quite worried actually..besides SIP we still need to do our Major Project..
each has report and logbook to do...interviews and etc.

doubting my ability..i shouldn't be but i am...
take care my dear frens out there...
treasure the time in school...studying is still the best thing...
treasure the frens you have made in your life...frens that clique are hard to find..
treasure your love ones too...

*best wishes to all*

helLo guys!!
i'm back from night cycling!!..haha..SHIOK!!..but butt super pain now ar..haha..
cos i and emily using own bike..so we cycle from tampines to east coast to meet 9 other frens..then cycle from east coast to SERAGOON!!!..haha..first time cycling so far man..then ate prata and cycle back to east coast again...reach there around 5am..then slack and rest till 7plus go home..haha..yeah..will be waiting for another one man..but i think hard le ar..cos i'm going attachment next monday le...OMG!!

kk..i'm posted to doctorslab Diagnostic Pte. Ltd...at Buona Vista..haha...science park..haha...so far ar!!!...got 3other frens same as me...monday report 8.30am...super early ar!!!...kk..anyway..really hope everything will be fine..and smooth...still have to do Major Project alson...alot of things to do for Major Project lei...hai...

hao le..i tired le...gonna go orh orh le...
those fren who are posted to places you dun wan to go...dun be sad k...
take care frens..

yoz!!..
hmm...let me see...friday went back to school to discuss bout club stuff then in school saw one of the ex-ASc member..lester..the first batch one..hmm..talked for 1 hour....then didn't meet sis..so sorry ya..hee..
well..asked him for advise..bout organising solid project and etc...eh..yea..nice chat with him..
think ASc is really an amazing club..really let ppl get bonded to it..get bonded to the people in there...it's the passion that we all have man..

sat: stayed at home the whole day...watch GUNDAM..again..ha..and pack my room..
pack school stuff...club stuff and
our stuff...sob sob..cried..cos i took out everything he gave me..and memories just flow and flow and flow...now..there are saved in a box...except those soft toys..very sad...those cards he made..those stars he folded..those movie we watched..and one cd of our photos and the "love me" song he created..the braclet and watches he gave and flowers...bears..haiz..it's all over le...
hope he is getting better...really hope so...

sun: went church then had class..very interesting class..=)..then went chilling out with sis..ha...walk until dunno where to walk...walk until leg pain sia..ha..then i bought two tops and a water bottle..past few days i bought a short and a converse top..ahha...i learning to buy clothes le!!..haha..okok..must control..but i still wan more clothes and jeans and short..and..ha..kk..

tml going back to sec school..gonna meet up with two of my teachers..so excited...very long never see them le...then meeting a secondary school fren..he is going to pass me my birthday present..eh..yea..
looking forward for tuesday to come man ...first: i will know where i will be posted to for SIP...second: i'm going for NIGHT CYCLING!!..haha..yea yea..happy happy..
i still wanna go Sentosa one lei..before SIP starts..dunno got chance ornot..aiyaya...kk..
i shall end le man...type so long le...
pray hard i wont be sick man....my nose are running now sia...hmm..kk
take care my frens...

*chasing back my nose.. -_-''' *

yoz ppl!!
today KBOX was FUN!!..haha...
quite hyper at the beginning..sing and clap and move move body...
very happy to see all of them...together..ha..got 16 of us went..the room super big..
i think i sound very man now..ha..cos abit no voice le..

alright..mood start to change after they sang the xuen ze duet song..i almost cried...
we always sing that song when we go Kbox...the lyrics...tt time when i sing..i really sang from the bottom of my heart...but i broke the promise..come to think of it...the relationship will end up like that is really becos of me...u really should not think of me anymore..not worth it...Argg...

then after awhile..tried hypering up again..but i guess i'm abit tired too..so no strength le..ha..
It's great to see yanming...peiling and fad again man...miss ya so much...
take care yangming and fad...you two going to become MAN soon ya..haha...
train hard..slack hard...rest well..eat well...haha..
see you guys after 3weeks!!!

hEy gUys!!
finally, it's over...last exam paper in TP...finished!..kinda happy but sad too..
studying is really the best thing in life...even though i haven start work yet but i do know working is boring..aiyaya..
still thinking whether to cont. studying or work first.. some of my frens are checking out on oversea Uni and etc le...i here still slacking..alamak...see SIP how first ba..haiz..

went to cut and highlight my hair yesterday...yup yesterday..ha...my frens were like..WHAT..you so RELAX ar..ha..then..i wore skirt to school today..HAHA..
first time wear to school..the other time i changed in school..that's for my AY04/05 AGM one..this time round is wear to school..ha..
so jing zhang in the morning...dunno is jing zhang for my paper or cos i pai sei i wear skirt..
anyway...there are many iNterEsting remarks..ha..got ppl say i AA=attract attention..got ppl came to ask me for 4 numbers ..they wanna buy 4D...some say the pigs are flying..got one gal say...will fall in love with me..hAhA..
of cos got ppl say i pretty and cute ar..ops..ha..kk...i shall stop here le..ha..*flying flying*..ha..

After paper went out with emily and sheewee..to cineleisure watch HERBIE FULLY LOADED..ha..very nice show..very funny and cute..but i teared in there also..ha..got some sad part ba...yup..i teared easily..eh..
cineleisure...hmm...many memorises again..the coke mini cafe..the cinema..hmm..kk..
after that went to IKEA..the food there is nice..the cheesecake is great..ha..
have a great time there...eh..
tml going Kbox..hope will be fun too..

alRight..that's all for now...
take care ppl...miss yA guYs so much...

All the best for your tml paper...good luck..

why am i still awake?...eh..
went to my old blog and read all the entries..
good memoeies flows, bad memories flow...tears flow..
this year is really a very "challenging" year for me...emotionally challenging...

i know i shouldnt be reading those now but i dun seem to be getting over it...
why?....why use the word hate...it's such a strong word to use...hai...

hEllo helLo...blogging again..
lastest update: my E700 phone spoil le..currently deciding whether to repair it which will cost bout 80-100bucks or just live with one phone...but i got 2number..hmm..
jus finish bbank paper...still alright..
choing bpharm later..
think this sem result will be C+ C+ B and B..haiz...not being extreme..but i stating the fact...LMQA is PBL...from experience..my PBL sub always get C+...DDCT..memory subject which i suck at it...Bpharm..maybe can aim B..bblood..i wanna score for it but dun think can cos of my quizzes and termtest..did badly..haiz..whatever...it's over..

so many disasters happening...feeling so sad..so lost..what's happening?...is it all planned?..eh..
got typhoon..flood...fire..plane crash...we singaporean are really lucky man..

so sad i'm hated by someone now...have i done wrong?...thanks for trying to be friend with me...i got nothing much to say..

*crying with the nation*

nothing much happen today...just study...play guitar...study....play guitar...then sis go beach never tell me!!..ha...kk..
hope wat i studied went in..
dad watching anime now...GUNDAM..haha...quite nice to watch lei...i cried..
talking about friends...war...become enemy cos they are force too..killing..revenge...haiz..
nowaday so many disaster also..what's happening man?

glad 2 know my dear sis has sort out things le..=)..haha..
glad...really glad..

its been 19days.....
how are u....haiz...

*can't stop blaming myself..*

hAha!!....
i know i shouldn't be doing this now ar...but ya..
i've learn how to upload songs to my blog le!!
haha...thanks Sheewee!!

kk...got to go study le..imagine..i only finish one topic of Bpharm from 1pm to now..haha..

*signing out*

today is a boring day...
stay at home the whole day but only manage to study 5topic of bloodbank ....i got 12 topics to study ar...
haven touch Bpharm..shuck...

it's really no good to be alone at home...especially at this moment...at this type of situation...think and think and think...JoAnNe aR...stop thinking can ornot...haiz..

Knew something...kinda sad again...it just tells me he has not get over it yet...he is still very sad...haiz..

been thinking about...my school life...always a loner...eversince from sec sch...dun have clicks...always mixing around with different people..different group...sometimes..just alone...is it a good thing or a bad thing...?
the good thing will be : i won't feel drifted apart from the group if i have other committment...i can just do whatever things i want...can go anywhere i want...
the bad thing will be : sometimes...i'll just be alone..it always happen...
feel weird when i just join any of the groups...then after that...go seperate ways...eh...

but i'm really glad i have two good fren from poly now...my da jie emily and also sheewee...really thank you...
my xiAo mei from sec sch...dorothy..even though we seldom meet up but ya..eh...just the bond rite...
these are the only good frens i have...living in this world for 19years...eh...
sec school frens...pri school frens...haiz...only when we are having our once a year gathering then will chat chat...after that...no more...even on msn...won't talk to each other too...haiz...my tkd frens...i think i'll be seperated from them le ba...tkd...where good memories flow..but sad ones too...as for club...i dunno...dun dare to put my hope so high...life is unpredictable rite...haiz....i thought after my sec sch,my sec school frens will still contact each other but things just change..new friends..new environment...new comittment...haiz...
As for my three good frens..they have their other friends..other committment too...so..ya..can't always be with me rite...eh...sometimes..just feel abit pai sei to look for you guys..cos i know you all got other friends too..if you tell me to join you guys...i guess you will know my answer...i will feel extra...haiz...dunno what i'm typing liao ar...haiz..
get a liFE man JoAnNe...

*getting emotional...*

here i am again!!
i guess i'll be blogging almost everyday now le ba...eh..ya..

alright..quite moody this morning...wake up at 10plus..too tired le...have not been sleeping well recently..couldn't get to sleep ar...body aches..back ache...sickening..ha..
moody cos of last night i think...think too much le..until morning i'm still thinking..until revision lec..still thinking...
memories of us having TKD training flow back...back till my very first tournament..he was my coach..he was so worried..but i won..yeah!..then memories of us going to the national tkd centre to train kept appearing..the very first time i went there was to go for a selection..to be selected for an oversea tournament...i was there cos in the SPEX tournament..i was the given the title..best female player ar..so..ya..but we were late...then didn't warm up then spar le..then i didn't know can hit head until i got hit..then..haiz..they are just too strong for me le...so fierce..i just stand there like sand bag ar..ha..

Do not give up your hope k..hope you will cont. training..i know you will...it will be good if you can cont. to pursue your dreams..your dreams that you had given up partly cos of me...your dream of being a national fighter to represent singapore...it's every sportman dream i guess...jia you k...

Went to the beach today..feel much better after that..talk alot to my dear sis...ya...had a nice chat with you gal...see you smile...my worry drop half le..ha...my english power man..haha...
hope to see you smile more k...
oh ya...almost got bang by a car on the way there man...stupid driver..turn left when he's not suppose to...lucky sis reaction fast enough...lucky lucky..really very close...*thank god*...she's alright...we were really SHOcK!!!...eh..

alright..got to go study le man...but..really sian sia..okok...
All the best people!!..

*tiMe wilL hEals*

haiz..feelings..relationship..love...
these are just things and emotions that will let a human go really 'high' and really 'low'
why must be there be emotions and feelings?..why must there be attraction between man and woman?
why do feelings change?..why do people change?..why..
some others can be such an asshole...to be so insensitive..why are there such person in this world?...
sorry, when i'm piss...i say such things..really feel like screwing that person upside down...
i was once a victim but also one who has cause pain to someone i loved so much before..
i know how hurtful it can be...how pain and sorrow it will be..
if things were to turn out this way..why even started it...shUck!
was doing my APEL reflection, kinda think about many things again..dun worry, i'll be alright...soon..it's just those moment when memories just flow pass..

i'm worried, but i know dear gal, u will need time..just like me...all i can say is...it's over le...
have to be strong rite...time will do the healing...time will do the job...
do not know what i can do but to lend a listening ear and a shoulder if u need one...encourage u to cry out cause it will feel better...force ur tears out..dun keep to yourself le...it's not healthy..haiz..have to let ur emotion run wild sometimes...
Do not think..do not dream..i believe u will know what to do..only that you need time..
turn to someone who you can be sure that he will not leave u..the someone is HIM..always go back to HIM...he is faithful..he will not leave us..

Never will i leave you..Never will i forsake you... Hebrews 13:5
take care gal..
i'll always keep you in my prayer...
*haiz*

Hello ...
today's LMQA paper is crap..aiyaya..ha..dunno how do to the probability qn. then also forget about QA stuff...only rem QC...last qn 20marks...dunno correct ornot man...diao...but nvm...it's over..

slacking whole day today, went out with sis after my paper.. she's stone-ing all the way..
hope she's fine althought can sense she still haven get over it..aiyaya*

dun worry gal, i'll be around ....we will support each other ya...=)
through thick and thin and thin and thick..okok..crapping..24/7 available ar..ha..
have to try..must try..

*God bless all*

hELow !!
it's study week now but it's = to term test week..
mine isn't that bad as those PS ppl ar..they have 4 paper (mon-thur)
i only have two.
but they finish exam first..iRritating!!...ha..

looking forward to end of exam man...wanna go KboX..sentosa...night cycling!!...
but i'm actually dragging to go for SIP...
dunno why..haiz...go SIP = no go sch, then no go sch = no see fren, then no see fren = BORED!!

dunno how am i going to survive this 5mths man...shuck!

i have to learn how to cook le man...now exam..everyday at home..but nobody cook for me...sobsob...die ar...cannot survive alone sia...no food le...hoping i wont think too much too...haiz..

take care k..my dear fren vincent..

really hope my dear sis wont be hurt again...haiz...dunno to be happy or worried ar...haiz...

*thank you father, for being here for me...i know you are around even though i can't hear or feel you..but i have faith and i believe in you*

Hello ppl !!
new blog..new design..new....just_me...ha...
trying to get things over ar..so change blog lor..
do feel lonely sometimes ar...but i know there are frens out there supporting me ya..
and one thing for sure...HE will not leave me...=)

yesterday was the last official day in TP...feeling quite sad actually...time really flies man..
just a blink and we are going for attachment soon..
many memories starts flowing back...
first day in TP...as a freshie..that's the day i know about Applied Science Studies Club..haha..
i must say i have so many memorable moments in Tp is becos of ASc...
...all the lame-ness and serious-ness...all the fun and tired-ness....all the frens and sista...all the tears and laughter....eh...thank you guys..

Not forgeting my caregroup, although i seldom spent time with you all..but really thank you guys for remember my b'day every year..(still remember you guys gave me a dog soft toy which we are suppose to sell during ccn day)..ha.
and also cheering me up when i'm down..do take care k..

next to my PBL group members...for 2sem...3pbl...victor, kevin,eugene,lihuey and ian...thank you for being such a wonderful group member...we gone thru many late nights and brainstorming ya..haha..
will not forget the sakae sushi "outing" too..haha..

last but not least..the frens and lecturers there...thank you for everything...

wanna thank vincent too...u did brighten my life in TP too..really...thank you for those happy moments..thank you...

i miss you guys alot man...really hope we won't drift apart...really hope we can still call up each other...have some gathering...i miss you..i miss TP....*sob*

*take care my dearest frens*