was too tired to blog last night...today working afternoon shift....
should be doing work butthen no mood...should be sleeping butthen can't sleep...

yesterday almost cried two times outside...my tkd coach called me...though not asking me bout tkd but he's last sentence was...i dunno...make me miss them alot ba...
went back school after work...i know TP having tkd training so went to the sport hall to see...wanted to hide from them but they saw me...ha...
went to bow to my TP coach from outside the sport hall...he nodded his head...i almost cried again...
they ask when i'm going back for training...
i dunno..i'm not ready yet...
so use to having him around during training...feel so werid without him around to hold the target...to cheer me on..to support me through the training...
thought i miss training alot but i can't go back...
dun ask me why...i'm just not ready...
feel so guilty...wo dui bu qi my two coach...plus him will be 3...and jon...4....
very tempted to kick the target last night but too many ppl le...sigh...
yesterday got friendly match with one JC...watching halfway it rain...damn...worried bout club ppl but at the same time want to see them spar...guess wat...i chose club...having in mind i'm still in the club...and i have to make sure things are alright..see them drench and i'm dry..feel so bad...after that then i was like walking up and down the sport hall...one side is club..the other is tkd...
haiz....
dun worry dun worry...i'm alright..i'm fine....till the day i can't take it anymore then i guess i'll need to find a comfortable shoulder to flood on ba...
i must stay strong...i have to....there are many more things for me to do...i cannot break down...i cannot give up...

hope things will be alright for u gal...hoping..and praying...*

*how long can i last....*

i'm feeling better now...after today's service...
i must say HE is really amazing..
HE knows what i'm thinking...what i'm worried about..thank you very much...
i'll learn to have faith and hope in you..in my life...

thank you very much...*

oh man, what's wrong with me...
why at this point of time i start thinking about such stuff...kinda too late eh...
after like 5mths...
oh man...hate this feeling....suddenly can't remember what is the diff b4 and after...
arg...i'm losing it...i dun wan to...somehow can't feel anything anymore...just another routine thingy..pls dun tell me all this while i've been lying to myself...i wont be able to take it man...

why am i always worrying about so many other stuff when i myself can't manage my own problems?..
always trying to help others but somehow i've neglected myself and my family...
i'm so sorry...i know i've spent lesser time with u all already but i still care and love u all...i just dunno how to show it out...i'm so so sorry..
pls take care mum...i know your hands are gtting rough and are peeling and in pain..your whole body is aching..i know..it does hurts when i see u like that...but when i'm infront of you..i just smile cos i dunno how to react...
pls take care dad...your health...i suppose the rashes are gone already ya?..what your diet k...thanks for preparing breakfast for me every morning...
pls take care bro...sleep early..hope everything is fine in school ya...thanks for those letters your wrote to me...

pls take care too dear sis...dun think so much k..everythings gonna be fine..hope u know what u're doing too gal...

cried last night...also dunno why i cry..was lying on my bed..then suddenly the sour feeling came again..then tears roll down till i doze off...

maybe after a year or two??...we can become frens again...
for now...maybe we are strangers....but do take care pls...sorry...

*nuMb*

hmm...pretty tired now..played badminton..ha..
i wasn't angry...ya..sorry if i've shown attitude...

told her what i did ...feeling better..glad she wasn't sad or disappointed..
butthen still worried...really hoping u r recovering slowly...*hoping and praying..*

i'm fine i'm fine...i must tell myself i am...

the day is coming...am i really ready...what does it really mean...to me..it's just a event...nothing special...

my little brain is exploding..haha...so many things inside now...i can't help it but to think about them...many stuff...really many stuff...haha...

am i ready??*

had a great time today ya..went out with emily and sheewee after church..to Kbox and then eat fish & co..ha..the food is nice..maybe it's becos of the people but not the food yea...ha..kk..but fish & co is my fave resturant ..so ya..everything is nice..haha..

I'm sorry..i can't help but to feel this way..sorry gal..

oh man, i saw my tkd coach today...my heart beats very fast when i see him ar...was like trying to hide away from him..i scare he sees me...i scare he ask me question..he know i and him break already..but i still scare..he once ask him why i must break up with him..just talk things out can already ar...haiz..
the parents also see us as one good couple..butthen...yea..i dunno how to face the parents too...

flashes of tkd tournaments and training came back..flashes of tkd camp came back...flashes of us came back...
i miss you but there's nothing i can do becos we are frens now..i want to be fren..so i shouldn't think so much..memories are still memories...they will be remembered...

when can i train tkd again....

went for club meeting after work..
was really glad to see them...miss club so much..
was kinda tired on the way there ar...took a cab..but got jam..cos of the rain ar..and cos of one stupid accident...it's only a small accident ar..then this two ppl jam the whole express way..still stop their car at the Right lane...lucky someone share cab with me...if not i will need to pay like $18.60...

club event starting next wed...hope things will go well..still quite messy...i'm worry..but ya...have to trust my members rite..
anyway, wanna thank my vice president grace...she is really doing a good job...problems will arise...just have to solve it one by one...your event is a big one so ya...there will be stress...learn to manage it ya...eh...dun doubt yourself..you are doing fine...

hmm..tkd stuff again...one of my tkd fren asked if next thur i'm going to a tkd chalet organised by him and his fren..eh...he asked me b4..i think i said yes if my work schedule allows me to..but i got club event ...haiz...how man..

hope ya 2% better today...eh...i'm sorry...

hope after singing u felt a little better..but those song u chose hor..hmm..nvm..maybe cos my songs limited ar...so ya..ha..
hmmm...i hope u are getting better...if only just 1% also good...slowly slowly..i know u need time...*pray hard hard*

i'm so lazy...everyday dun feel like doing work..my work is pilling up again..ha...

how are you?..it's been awhile since i last saw u eh...think ur're quite busy with the wcg thingy now..hope u are enjoying urself...
u really have a "good feeling" bout the gal?..eh...got common topic ar?...hmm..ok..ok..
only fren rite..eh..hmm..nvm...what am i thinking man..arg..

this blogskin looks like my previous one eh..white background..give ppl a peaceful feEing...
hoW i hope my hEart will bE as peAcefuL as it toO...

sudDenly, felt sO loSt...felt sO bAd..feLt so wrOng..felt so guiLty..felt so..arg..i dunNO...
i became a "ya ba" todaY..i dunno wAt to saY to hEr...but aS loNg as i cAn seE hEr..cAn See thAt she's stiLl oK..it's enOugh le...
sEeing u like that is reAlly very sucky...but i gueSs it's sOmething u nEed to gO through..
i ratHer u pAin noW thEn later bUt at the sAme tIme..it reaLly doEs huRt..
my sMall liTtle hEart tuRn sour whEn i seE u...
it seEms tHat it's me thAt has sTarted all thIs..
iN the eNd, u are sufferinG..aNd i'm hEre doIng notHing but jUst woRryiNg...arg...

cAme into coNtact with tkd recently eh...aRe u trYing to teLl me somethIng?...fiRst is the sMs telling me to go back traiNing...second is tHe question yesterday..thiRd is i sAw a tkd clAss at a neW renovated CC..aNd i knOw that iNstructor..
fouRth is my secOndary School friend suDDenly asKed mE whY i stOp training..
fiFth is sOmeoNe asked mE if i Know aboUt a tkD pErformAnce...aiyaya..whAt's wRong..
i miss trAining but..nVm..
hmm..i shOuld stOP thinkIng lE..hahA..

criEd on the wAy hoMe though...just fEel like cRying..soMething is mAking me feEling very the sour...
guesS it's seEiNg u sufFering and mE thinKing of tkd (whiCh eventually led to hIm)..
but i'm oK..reAlly ok..liFe stiLl gO oN...=)..

i'M prAying..reAl hard..

went to see a pagent compeition today...quite a big event..quite impressed by the whole thing...hmm..*start to day dream le...wonder if ASc can organise such big event ornot..hmm..AS D&D...hmm...eh..*

well...things are quite the same everyday...nothing much to update...
oh..just realise i'm single for 3mths le..haha..so fast eh...

u called me that day...why?

i'm fine..i'm ok..don't worry..just thinking of some stuff...
miss training again..recently recieved some sms..dunno from who..ask me go back training..IVP coming soon..hmm..wonder who is it..i wish i could..but i can't..haiz..2reasons..2resasons..

i always stumble over this question: "why you stop tkd training? "
my reply: "cos no time"...normally ppl will stop asking after this but today..there is a reply..
" no time?...excuse...tkd training only at night..where got no time.."..haha..well...dunno what to say too..just smile..and smile and smile...

i dunno if i've done the right thing...to asked you to solved your problem fast..solve it now at this point..it seems that it's making you more confused..more sad..this feeling sucks..but i hope that's the best thing to do..to stop you from moving in circle again and again...i really hope things will get better..cos i really dunno if i've done the right thing...that's why i'm hoping...i scare i've make things worst..but sorry gal..i guessed i'm really too busybody le..arg...i feel SO BAD NOW...sorry gal..sorry...
i really pray that thing will be over for u..really over...
i pray that you will be fine..
i pray that everything will be alright..

*i hoping..and praying...*

dUn like this stupid feeling i'm hAviNg now..
wHY am i cRying over such matter...
whY mUst i compaRe...

i guess if u does feEl betta theN cAn le ba...

tO myself : u cAn't alwAy expect evErytHing to bE yOurs...everytHing to Be in your contRol..youR way..
u have to unDerstand thIs world is nOt ruLed by yoU...evEryoNe has his or Her oWn choIce....
evEryOne wiLl in tHe eNd livE their owN worLd..hAve theiR owN fAmiLy...hOw loNg do u wAn thE pErsoN to sTay witH u?....dUn hoLd oNto iT toO tiGht..oNe dAy whEn it's goNe..u wilL feEl evEn moRe hUrt...uR hEart wiLl bE eVen moRe soUr thEn nOw...bUt i dO treAsure u aLot...reAlly...whAt i cAn dO is this mucH...


cAn't imagiNe i'M stiLl aBle to wiSh hiM haPpy 2nd yeAr anNiversary..hAha..
cAn't imagiNe i cAn stilL joke witH hiM bout it...
i'm so blOodly proud oF myseLf...
anD i'm glAd u aRe 90% reCovereD...goOd goOd...
haHa...

oH shuCk...brAin nuMb..cold cold one..ha..so fuNny....

*..emotioN-lEsS....sPeEch-lEsS..*

went back to work today...still feeling sick..
fever down but still having sore throat..very the pain..first time so pain..
no voice too...not even a sexy voice..is totally no voice now..haHa..also good...dun need to talk...haiz...
some rashes appeared on my hand...eh..are you thinking what i'm thinking...ha..that's the second syptom so far...feeling abit feverish now..BUt not shivering..no joint pain...can't remember got bitten ornot..but it doesn't matter...hA...kk...

tml is thursday...
ya...tml is thursay..eh...
should i or should i not...haHa...kk..

Dear gal, i'm not angry..i'm worried...if i sound harsh..pls forgive me...
Dear sheewee, pls take care too...we two sound yucky now man...two sick birds now...haHa...

*Keeping my dear fren and sista in prayer*
*keeping my family in prayer*

heLlo guys,
guess what!!...i didn't work today..haHa..cos i'm SICK...yeahyeah..ha...kk..i'm crazy..
always wanna get sick ar...at last i am le..hee...got one day mc..should take 2days man..
now still have fever...had sore throat..cough and a little bit of flu..
oh ya..i went back school too...feel so good to be in school man...
went to take my scholarship and so some club stuff..hee..
our ITAS canteen okay already...fren say there really like food court...got air con one lei...butthen some food there cmi..hope we got time can go back there to eat man..hee..

hmm...something happen last sunday..which makes me realised how fortunate i am...eh...was laughing to myself the whole day..haHa...thank you very much..(you know who you are)..

feel like taking another day mc..really sick of working man...
wanna stay at home finish up the things i haven do yet..SIP logbook..MP proposal..club stuff..haiz...keep dragging them...aiyoyo...

alright...i shall stop here already...

*hoping you will be fine*

feeling rather worried this few days...
worried bout my project..worried bout my club..really felt drifted away..
thought i could handle it..but looks like i can't ..i've over-estimated myself..
i dun have the mood..dun have the strength to do things..
sorry guys...
i really wanna see the club grow..see the club get close together..see the club becoming to a big family working together to serve the school...to have fun..to create a bond..to have the passion like the ex comm once had...
pls help me get the passion back..i want it back!!...
i miss you guys...i miss the ex comm...i miss roy my vicepres..i miss peiling and sheewee my secretaries..i miss emily and joanna my treasurers..i miss fadhli and jem my welfare..i miss jingkai and alan my quatermaster..i miss qian hui and eugene my publicity..i miss shuiyi and woanting my subcomm coordinator..i miss yanming..my publice relation officer...
haiz...where are u guys...why am i alone here with shuyi...
SHUCK mAN...really hate this feeling...i Dun WANNA GET DRIFTED AWAY FROM THE CLUB>>>PULL ME BACK PLS!!!

10Nov..coming nearer...i fear that day...it's a thursday..i'm working 10am to 6.30pm..should have the strenght to do one thing...it's been a long time since i've gone there...
10 Nov...a day i'll never forget..a day tt will make my heart turn sour again...

where and who can i pour my worries to...to GOD above?...
never "talk" to HIM for like 3weeks?...haiz...
must i act strong infront of you too?...haiz...

i know stress is ownself find one..but how to relax?..
being the leader..one have to be steady...then others will feel "safe" under you..
acting strong is so tiring...i'm falling apart..club..and project group...haiz..

*i wan back the passion*

hmm...what is the emotion i'm feeling now..hmm..jealous?..eh..yea..jealous..i am jealous..haiz...

ppl in my lab actually thought i'm with someone else there..OH MAN!!
i'll kill myself if i'm with that guy man..

but it kind of made me think..what have i done to make them think that way..
have i been too close with that person?
i dun think i am...
but it will be scary if they think i was but i myself think i wasn't.
this just show how suay pian, how open, how...dunno lar.. i am rite..
i'm just trying to show or should i say ACT concern...if not..our life there in the lab will not be good man..haiz..
just wondering how the world outside sees me...what an impression i've given to them...haiz..
ok..i'm thinking too much...

but those ppl who thought that way dun know me well...lucky my fren attached there never agree with them..
haiz..

things are starting to get worse each day in the lab...pls dun let anything happen...
my patience has reached a limit..i'll explode soon if it cont....i'm trying to control myself..i'm trying to ACT cheerful..
MP is getting onto my nerve..

i'm pissed..i'm angry..i'm sad..i'm worried..i'm tired..i'm irritated..i'm hurt...
i'm on the verge of crying...
but i can't...
my heart is turning sour...a feeling i got when i'm REALLY sad and hurt..
but no..i'm not going to cry now..not at this moment..

ARG...WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!