this was suppose to be an entry for the pictures taken during the mission trip...but it wont be for now...
it's been so long since i cried so hard....
it's been so long since i had that sour feeling in me...the sourness that starts from the heart and it just affect the rest of my body...
the giant that is sleeping inside me...i tot it was gone...it's been a year plus...never did i realise it wasn't gone...it's just sleeping...
i forget how it felt..but now i remembered...
i once said b4 it's time for me to bless others..to encourage and strengthen them...but i doubt i can...
i tot i can do it with God's grace...but i realise it's hard...it's funny that only yesterday my ex-lecturer from TP asked if i'm a strong christian now..and i answered yes...but now...i think i'm not...
why did i always turns the table around...feels like i'm trying to run away...i am suppose to encourage and be there..but instead...i took pity of myself and started turning the whole situation around...how then will the other party be strong again if he or she has to encourage me instead...i should be strong...to stand firm in the gap and pray for them..why then did i fall..this shouldn't be the way...
i asked God to take away all that He has done for me...for i'm not strong enough to be the one helping others...a year of freedom but what have i done ...who have i really helped and blessed..
the aches just can't go away...
don't ask me about this entry...this entry shouldn't even exist.....
though i'm like that now...i'm not saying God is fake....HE is still the same yesterday..today..and forever...but i disallow myself to be with Him...for this period of time...
I know He is still a Great God...Faithful and Just...
i tot i can handle..just pray and lift it up to God...but it's so hard...i'm not that strong afterall...
i'm not going to give up God...but for now....let me be...

I'm sorry i'm such a failure...instead of encouraging and being there for you...i myself fell too...i really dun wan to fall...i want to be a blessing to others and not a burden...i want to help you...i want to help the guys...but i'm not able to...pls dun blame yourself...i have to learn to fall and stand up again...same goes to you....dun let all these beat you down...no weapons form against us will prosper for our God is with us...yes...He may seems far now...becos of all the probs.....but we both know He's just beside us...dun give up gal...

the scariest thing is not bout falling down...but it's bout not getting up after u fall...it's hard to do it alone...let God help you..be under His wings..He will shield and protect you...
currently listening to song 48. on my playlist...because your loving kindness is..how i wish..i can sing this song now...